It’s been a while. And, ironically this is also the song that’s been in my head for several days. It’s a song by Staind.

Anywho, that’s not relevant. What is relevant is how I’m feeling, where I’m at. Really struggling right now. With depression, anger, frustration, fear. Feel like just giving up. Mentally, I mean. I feel like my life is just exhausting. Like I have no power. I love my fur babies…that’s a side note. Overwhelmed. That’s another feeling I’m feeling. I really choose to look at the negative side of things. Have I always been this way? Possibly. I’m not sure. My heart is pounding right now. That’s all for now.

I woke up today feeling ever so slightly better. Mentally and physically. I decided to do a little paperwork/bills project. And I successfully did it! Being depressed makes it hard to follow through with ideas and/or things I need to do. So, even though I am minimally “present” today, I still finished it. Making healthy food choices is important. I’m going to endeavor to be successful today about it. That’s all for now.

As the title so aptly states, I have been out-of-control with my eating for a very long time. It’s impacting all aspects of my life it feels like. My physical body, emotions, money, and on and on it seems. I’m so far off the beaten path I feel like giving up instead of trying to get back on course. Actually, I don’t feel like giving up, that’s precisely what I have been doing. Side note: I had hoped by now that I might have a comment or two with someone relating to what I written. But, I suppose no one has seen my blog….actually how would they? Guess it does not matter, as I’m truly trying to write as a journalistic release and simply “putting it out there” to share. I just attended an online OA meeting. It’s been a very long time since I did that. It was positive, and, I always feel supported so that’s good. I think that’s all for now.

So, the last few days I’ve felt the same: angry, depressed, resentful, frustrated, irritated. You get the gist. Basically a list of negative emotions. I’ve come to know that right now, during this “period” of my life, this is how I’ll likely be feeling for a while. As a result, this really prompts feelings of powerlessness. I hate feeling powerless. It’s a shitty place for me to be. Life is hard and that’s hard to accept. I suppose some folks who have really honed the skill of “letting go” don’t experience as much difficultly because letting go can be quite freeing. I know. I have done this at times in my life. However, at this point, with all the poop piled on my plate, and “weights” on my shoulders, letting go feels SUPER unlikely. Given certain life events that are beyond my control right now, acceptance of my current situation, or situations, is the best option. I’m not going to let go. That does not fit. I need to address several things, so letting go would not be healthy. But acceptance is a optimal choice given my powerlessness. Acceptance would help reduce some of my strong negative feelings I first listed in this post. I’m sure no one is reading this, but I’d like to hope that if someone does read this, it will resonate and connect with them in some way.

I won’t be able to constantly focus, practice, and try acceptance. There is too much going on right now. But, I will have pockets of mental ability, and will have times when my negative emotions are really strong. In those times, I can reflect back to this post and earnestly attempt to accept the shit in the moment, or the shit that just is, and try to accept and move forward with less weighted pissiness. Fingers cross. Here’s hoping for today…

Thanks for joining me!

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton

I have not idea how this will go. I know journaling has been very healing for me in the past. I hope that I will connect with others; that what I am going through will resonate with others.

Hi! I’m here to talk about what I’m going through and the hard feelings/emotions associated with it. Lets try to do some healing together. ❤